June 20, 2010

Matthew 18:15-22; Eph. 4:25-32

For the past few weeks we have been doing a series of sermons on the theme “following Jesus in a culture of fear and violence”.

In these sermons we have been developing a biblical basis for Christian peacemaking.

We started out in the OT by looking at God’s big vision of shalom for the whole world. After the flood, we learned that God would never destroy the world again. Instead, God began extending mercy and grace to even the most violent offenders.

We also learned that the biblical vision of shalom includes things like – peace with God; reconciliation with our enemies; healing of our sicknesses; turning weapons of war into farming tools; liberation of creation from bondage; and all communities becoming vibrant and flourishing.

We then saw how Jesus fulfilled this OT vision of shalom and formed a new community of disciples who practiced Christ’s way of peace in the midst of so much fear and violence.

We learned that the church started out being nonviolent, but that over the years the church largely forgot its calling to be nonviolent peacemakers.

I then suggested that one of our tasks today is to help the church reclaim its vocation as Christian peacemakers and to help the church represent to the world the nonviolent Jesus of the NT.

After laying this biblical foundation for peacemaking we looked at some practical ways to live this out.

I said loving our enemies means Christians don’t take vengeance or kill people – by going to war or through support of the death penalty.

Two weeks ago Matt helped us see how Christians relate to government and then, last week, Grace Schrock-Hurst talked about God’s deep concern for the poor.

Now, this morning I want to bring this sermon series to a close by focusing on a document the Mennonite Church affirmed back in 1995 entitled – Agreeing and disagreeing in love.

This document was written to give us skills to deal with conflict constructively in our personal relationships, our homes, our churches, our neighborhoods, and in our places of work.

As Mennonites, we have a strong theology of peacemaking, but we don’t always know how to resolve our personal conflicts or deal with our anger and disagreements in constructive ways.

As a peace church, we are one of the most splintered Christian traditions around. I often think – surely there must have been a better way to resolve our differences than to just walk away from each other.

So, while we know Jesus calls us to be peacemakers – we struggle in knowing how to do that in many of our relationships.

This document does not give us all the answers or make it easy to do, but it points us in a helpful direction and it gives us specific ways we can respond.

This morning I invite you to keep this statement in front of you and to follow along as I simply highlight certain aspects of it.

As you can see, this document is divided into three areas:

• In thought
• In action
• In life.

I want to look briefly at each area.

1. The first commitment under “In thought” is to accept conflict as a normal part of church life.

1. • How many of you were involved in some conflict this past week? How about this morning on your way to church?
   • How many of you – when you think of having a conflict – your predominate notion is that somebody will win and somebody will lose?

I raise these two sets of questions because for many Christians – conflict is seen as bad and to have conflict means you are spiritually immature.

And secondly, most people’s perspective on conflict is that somebody has to win and somebody has to lose.

So, for some of us – one of the changes I think we need to make in thought – is to accept that conflict is a normal part of life and that it is possible to find mutually satisfying solutions to our conflicts.

In the Bible – conflict is seen as a normal part of life.

In our scripture from Matthew 18 Jesus sees the church as a place where conflict can be openly expressed and worked through.

Chapter 18 begins with a discussion about who is the “greatest in the kingdom of God”. The issue is who will have power in the church?

The chapter ends with a story about money and how to forgive. In the middle of the chapter Jesus gives us a process for dealing with the conflict that will arise in our relationships.

My point here is a simple one – Jesus knew we would have conflicts and hurts in the church. And he assumed that the church could and should learn how to deal with the conflicts constructively.

Paul, in Ephesians 4 writes: “Be angry but do not sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger and do not make room for the devil.”

Being angry and having conflict is not sinful. Anger only becomes sin when we avoid it or let it build up until it explodes and hurts others.

Healthy marriages, healthy relationships, healthy churches, and healthy businesses are not ones that avoid, deny, or suppress conflict, but ones that learn to manage and utilize conflict in some positive way.

Here is a quote about how conflict is an opportunity for growth that I find helpful.

“The more we run from conflict, the more it masters us. The more we try to avoid it, the more it controls us. The less we fear conflict, the less it confuses us. The less we deny our differences, the less they divide us.”

So, the first commitment then – is to accept conflict as a normal part of life.

1. The second statement under “in thought” is to “affirm hope”.

Matthew 18, verse 20 says – “where two or three are gathered in my name – I am there among them.”

Now, most people interpret this verse to mean that when two or three gather for a prayer meeting Jesus is with them. And that is certainly true too!

However, in chapter eighteen’s discussion about conflict – I think what Jesus is saying here is – “as you work at reconciliation and restoring of relationships in the church – my promise is that I will be with you.”

Jesus is drawing from the Mosaic Law of the OT that required two or three witnesses to make a moral judgment.

What Jesus is telling his disciples is that “when two or three gather in his name to make moral and ethical decisions he will be there with them.”

Conflict resolution and reconciliation of estranged parties is sacred ground.

The hope we have in restoring of relationships is the promise that God will be with us and will help us find out way.

Conflict is not always easy to deal with and most of us have experienced the hurt of unresolved conflict, but the hope we have is that as we seek reconciliation – the Holy Spirit is at work among us. We are not in it alone.

1. The third attitude is – commit to prayer.

In the book of James chapter four verse one – James asks the question – “where do all of your quarrels and fights come from?” Then he answers his own question by saying – “they come from our cravings or passions at war within us.”

James tells us here that “our passions are at war within us. Our desires control us. We think we are free but we are actually in bondage to our own conflicting desires.”

James reminds us that “our hearts are exceedingly selfish. We want our own way and we envy what others have and we covet other people’s achievements and relationships.” So, our internal conflicts often lead us into conflicts with others.

Our world isn’t filled with war and violence because of a lack of education – it is because of the frustrated desires of human beings warring against each other.

So the place we have to begin is by examining our own heart’s desires in prayer. In prayer we meet God whose Spirit helps us examine our anger, resentments, hurts, hatreds, and misguided passions.

It is only as we permit God to love us and disarm our hearts that we can even begin to pray and work for a mutually satisfying solution. Through prayer and confession we can become instruments of God’s peace.

So, under the section “in thought” we commit to see conflict as a normal part of life, we affirm that God is with us in dealing with conflict, and we commit to prayer and our own personal transformation.

1. In the next section “In Action” the first step is to “go directly to the other person.

In Matthew 18 Jesus says you are to go directly to the person with whom you disagree.

Notice what Jesus doesn’t say. He doesn’t say go to your best friend. He doesn’t say go to your small group. He doesn’t even say – go tell your pastor.

We are to avoid the human tendency to try and get our friends to side with us against the other person or group. It is so much easier, and a lot more fun, to talk about someone than to talk directly with them.

One of the most difficult parts of resolving any conflict is taking the first step towards the other person. Sometimes it is more energizing to pout and stew and just be mad.

David Augsburger in his book “Conflict mediation across cultures” says – “across all cultures the preferred way of dealing with conflict is avoidance.”

He lists some proverbs to illustrate his point. One proverb from Angola says:

• – “the squirrel does not talk back to the elephant; it just goes back into its hole.”
• Proverb from China – “of the 36 ways of handling a conflict, running away is the best.”
• And from Russia – “a good silence is better than a bad dispute.”

So, avoidance is usually our preferred option, but avoidance allows resentment to grow inside of us and if it isn’t dealt with it will eventually kill the relationship or the church.

This is why Jesus says “go directly to the other person”. To resolve any conflict we must take steps towards it – not away from it.

In a few cases – like sexual abuse or physical abuse or where there is a real power imbalance – it is best to go to a third party instead of going directly to the person involved.

But usually, it is best to go directly to the other person with whom you are having a conflict and work to resolve it.

1. And then, as we go directly to the person, we are to go in a spirit of humility.

Now, this one is hard too. Usually we are so angry or we have been so deeply hurt that all we want to do is accuse the other person or group of wrong doing.

To go in a spirit of humility means we have to examine our own lives. In another place Jesus tells us to take the “logs out of our own eyes before we can see the specks in the other person’s eyes”.

It is so difficult to own our part in any conflict, but that is what it means to go to another person in humility. We have to have our “logs removed” before we can even begin to see from the other person’s perspective.

And then, our purpose in going must not be to punish them, but to seek healing and reconciliation. Our goal is not to win, but to restore a broken relationship and that can only happen if we go with humility and gentleness.

1. And then – as we go in humility, we must “be quick to listen and slow to judge.”

James 1, verse 19 says – “let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger – for your anger does not produce God’s righteousness.”

How many of us think our anger will produce righteousness? If we get really angry – do we think it will change things?

A big part in restoring a relationship is slowing things down. Slow down our speaking. Slow down our judging. And then escalate our listening.

Nothing escalates conflict quicker than name calling, threats, labeling, or judgments.

So a very important part in resolving any conflict is being willing to actively listen and to suspend our judgments and threats and labeling of others.

Maybe the simplest rule in going to another person is to approach them in the same way you would want to be approached. And most of us want to be listened to – not judged.

1. And then after we have listened, we must be willing to negotiate.

For Jesus, reconciliation is so important that when our first attempt fails, he suggests that we don’t give up too easily and just walk away.

In Matthew 18 Jesus suggests that if you aren’t listened to – take two or three others along with you.

The purpose of calling in other witnesses is not to assess fault or blame, but to help you discern and negotiate the issues.

Other witnesses can help create a safe place where reflection, listening, and new understandings can emerge.

Sometimes those who have so much invested in the conflict cannot see what is going on as clearly as others can who are not enmeshed in the conflict.

A skilled mediator can be very helpful in bringing out the diverse viewpoints and interests of all the parties involved.

And then as we hear all the viewpoints – we have to trust the Holy Spirit to lead us to a new understanding and to mutually satisfying solutions.

So, in this section “In Action” – we go directly to the other person in a spirit of humility, being quick to listen and slow to judge, and open to negotiation.

1. In the last section “In Life” we are called to be steadfast in love.

In Ephesians 5: 2 Paul writes – “Be imitators of God and live in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us.”

Conflict resolution and maintaining healthy relationships is hard work.

If we are going to make it work and overcome our tendency to “avoid conflict” or to “just walk away” we need to commit to be “steadfast in love.”

Restoring relationships is always a journey and we need to always keep moving towards the other person or group – not away from them.

Even in Matthew 18, when a conflict cannot be resolved or there is not reconciliation, Jesus says treat the other person as a “gentile and tax collector”.

To treat one as a “gentile and tax collector” does not mean we don’t associate with them anymore. Jesus hung out with gentiles and tax collectors all of his life.

Jesus seems to be encouraging us here to not give up on healing and reconciliation. Jesus is encouraging us to invite them out to lunch – not just once but for a lifetime.

Jesus wants us to stay connected in hopes that reconciliation may happen at some point.

Being steadfast in love does not mean we cover up what happened or that we compromise our understandings. It acknowledges that a relationship has been broken and there is separation, but it stays connected – praying that God will bring about reconciliation and healing.

Our part is to live in love and to continue loving as we pray and wait for God’s Spirit to bring about healing and restoration.

In closing, I want to confess this morning that “agreeing and disagreeing in love” is very hard work and too often I want to give up too quickly. It is hard for me to be steadfast in love. It is hard to stick in there when no solution is in sight.

It is hard to follow Jesus’ teachings on going directly and being slow to judge. It is much easier to throw out threats and tear down the other person or side.

And yet, I know reconciliation is central to Christ’s mission on earth and in our churches and in our families. God is in the business of healing and restoring relationships and we are invited to join God in this great enterprise.

So the invitation this morning is to “be firm in our commitment to seek mutual solutions, stubborn in holding to our common foundation in Christ, and always steadfast in love and mercy.”

May God give us the grace to be steadfast in love and seeking the well-being of one another. Amen.